"Nature's Way" - Part I

Frank and I were married about 1 month and I left work early to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Before I hopped on the express bus back to Staten Island, I stopped in the drugstore and picked up a pregnancy test. My cycle was never like clockwork, but I was having general anestesia and wanted to be sure, so I bought the test. As I rode the bus, I drank an iced tea and began to try to reassure myself. I had just been married and moved out of my parents’ house. I was blaming the lateness on the changes in the rythyms of my life.

Frank met at home to take me to the oral surgeon. I changed for the doctor and took the test. Two pink lines. And just like that, my life changes.

Stunned, I told Frank. Maybe it’s not right, I reasoned. I drank that iced tea! (Can you say “Grasping at straws?”) Frank looked happy. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. “This was not in the plan!” I cried.

“This is God’s way of saying that we are so good together that we should share our love with someone else.” Frank said. Literally. That’s what he said. It was then that I really began to see the kind of man I married. He feels that as long as we are together things will work out. Love is what matters. That’s really who he is. And while I did feel a lot better, I am not that good a person. I continued to freak out.

“What will people think? We just got married! They will be counting on their fingers!” I moaned.
“Joanne, we were engaged for a year. What are they going to think? You held the baby in for 18 months? Who cares what people think? We know the truth.”

There it was again. Logic. It was of no use to me.

We went to the dentist and told him about this latest development. He was not going to give me general anestesia and I opted out of the local for the wisdom tooth removal. I didn’t even have a gynecologist on Staten Island yet, so he sent me to one close by.

We arrived at the OB/GYN and I went back by myself. I took another pregnancy test and I chatted nervously with the nurse. She checked the test and said, “You’re pregnant!” and I busted out crying. “I thought you said you were married!” she responded as if that was all that mattered. I told you, I'm not that good a person. “Four weeks!!” was my teary reply. She went to get Frank and we both went in to see the doctor.

The doctor sits us down to talk. She says that she understands we just got married and this is not what we planned, but we were young and in love and a baby is good news. “I have couples who come to see me that literally say, ‘Doctor, I don’t care what you have to do, I’d let you cut off my arm if it meant we could have a baby.’ A baby is good news.”

Years later I would come to understand that way of thinking.

At that point though, I felt like I was on a runaway train.

I called my sister Audrey, mother of four (a few of which were “oops” babies). She was more than supportive. She was so excited at the notion of me having a baby that I started to get a little excited too. We hatched a plan to tell my parents. Frank and I would have Thanksgiving with my sister’s family, her in-laws and my parents. We’d break the news then. The in-laws would be the buffer. It sounds silly now, but we were 23, our careers just getting started. This was not in their plans for us either. I was worried about their reaction.

I should note that I pretended to have had the teeth removed because I wasn’t ready to tell work yet. My boss had the nerve to call me with a question the next day and I stuck two fingers in my mouth as if they were cotton stuffed in my cheeks and told him where the file was or whatever the heck he wanted.

In the meantime, I realized that there was a small human in my body and the best thing to do was take care of myself and control at least that part of this train ride.

Then I started spotting.

Things start to move fast now. I call Audrey. Is this normal? Could be. Maybe not. Call the doctor. Come in, we’ll take blood. I learn about HCG levels and what they mean and how and when they go up and what it means when they don’t.

Pray. Call the parents, I’m pregnant and I’m having problems – all in one breath.

Thanksgiving Day: Pain. Emergency Room. Put your feet up and wait. Pray some more.

Monday comes. Another blood test. The numbers are down.

The baby’s gone.

DNC. Really gone.

I’m young they tell me. It’s nature’s way they tell me.

And just like that the train comes to a screeching halt and my life changes back again. Only not entirely.

Next - Nature's Way Part II